All systems go

I'm going to keep typing, distracting myself from the bizarre and intense urge to get a hammer and bang on my toe in the hope of relieving the pressure.

Let's discuss romance. And other things.

This week has been a reversal. An erasure of doubt. Complicated.

One week ago today, I was feeling stood-up, resigned, and even found myself midafternoon sitting in C's van giving her a hug (which she requested) and having a hand on her thigh (unrequested, but appreciated). That evening, of course, the dark-haired girl finally made her way over, stayed the night, left in the morning, then came back for supper.

Monday night I had two meetings the attend, both at the same time. I managed to hit the highlights of both, plus run several errands beforehand and afterward, getting home enveloped in darkness, and exhausted. Monday night was the only night I did not get together with the dark-haired girl, the only night we didn't touch, and almost the only night we did not discard all that we came wearing.

My ability to be standing at attention has been less than I would have wished, but time and patience allowed me to provide the requisite tool by the end of all but one of our encounters. My self-confidence and mood has crested and fallen in slow waves throughout the week, and I never have quite caught up on my sleep. Still, I think she and I have both enjoyed the movements.

The source of my weakness is a combination of tiredness, and a lack of certain stimuli. I miss tongue to tongue contact. The deep kiss is a surprisingly important component of my process of becoming ready.

I also seem to have become at least somewhat dependent on the form of interaction that blossomed throughout the course of my last longterm relationship. Mildly dominating a woman in bed turns me on, and as I have discovered that, I have also discovered that my partners are just as turned on by the domination. That should have been obvious when the concept was suggested to me by the recipients before it occurred to me on my own.

It seems ironic that I spent the first part of my second singlehood looking for assertive, or even aggressive, girls to quench my need to be controlled, and now I am the one quenching that need in others. I note that the matter is discussed in advance, all actions consensual, and equality still the stated rule in every other aspect of the relationship (although I am probably in reality ceding control elsewhere, such as when the dark-haired girl insisted I take an in-town route during the storm, or in the various concessions I made to the prof -- all normal in a relationship).

But I digress.

The point is that the dark-haired girl and I are finally spending as much time together as we can. She calls me during the day from work. She thinks about me as much as I think about her. And despite the short supply of the kissing I desire, the overall outlook is quite good for a healthy physical relationship. The state of our union is strong, to borrow a phrase from the American president, and I mean that in the emotional sense as well as the physical sense.

This week has seen something new emerge.

We are a couple.