Good Days and Bad Days

I am unsettled, but trying.

The conversation has been had.

There was a day of crying and depression.

There was a day of frankness, a day of trying, yesterday, when she came to watch me play soccer, and I took her out for an expensive dinner.

Today we ran errands together, getting groceries.

When my ex called and said she had to go out of town for work earlier, the dark-haired girl's face immediately darkened like the sky before a tornado arrives, and I felt my uncertainties rise back to the top. It didn't matter that my ex was asking rather than demanding, or that no plans were changed before a discussion had been had. It was an immediate throwback to a state of stress.

I explained everything as fully as possible, and the dark-haired girl said to just ignore her for a while until she regained her composure.

There were a few minutes of unhappy conversation where she focused on my ex, then we were distracted by grocery shopping.

A half hour later, I asked her for her opinion, and she gave it, "it's ok if they come back early".

I still feel the relationship is marked for impending doom. I still make an effort, admittedly not wholeheartedly, to see if it can work, but I'm sure it's more because I don't want to face the end yet than because I don't want it to end.

Chickenshit, chickenshit.

Cavity Search

Do I feel nothing because I feel nothing?

Or because I want to feel nothing.

My chest feels empty.

She is at work, crying.

Lull

How do you start a conversation you don't want to start?

Breakups

The first step is to answer the question "Do you love me?" with "I'm not sure... yes, I still love you, but..."

Crazies

I could see it in the kid's eyes as he rolled them. He's been embarassed by his mother before.

No, not my kids this time.

I used the skills learned in my married years to defuse a situation at soccer tonight.

I had coached the first half of the game, and took a rare break in the second to go over and play for my men's team. I had only played one game with them, and missed six. It had been so long that they were now wearing different colours, and I had had no idea.

About ten minutes in, the team manager from my boys' team came over. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but I really need you." I got a sub, and hustled back over to the nearby field where the kids' game was just wrapping up.

She explained that one of our players had been taken to the hospital, hit in the face, bleeding. A few minutes later, one of our boys elbowed a kid on the other team, and views differed on whether it was intentional or not. Of course, only the kid whose elbow it was knows what his intention was, but since that was not part of our standard play, or anything I had seen before this season, I was inclined to take him at his word.

The mother of the "victim", however, was not so inclined.

After the game she came over, and started freaking out on the kid on my team. She made fun of one of the parents on my team who has a bad eye. She simply crossed most lines she shouldn't have.

She tried to involve my parents and assistant coach, but I sent them away, slowly drawing her off to the side and away from the parents and kids. It was like handling a snake, wary of the venom, but necessary.

It took some time and patience, but I did get her to calm down, without me validating her behaviour.

You never know when the odd set of life skills you get will come in handy.

That kid will one day benefit from having the mother he has. I'm not sure I would wish those trials upon anyone, but at least I know that a kid can survive them.

Wipeout

Yesterday I worked from the morning straight through to 2am, with about an hour off in breaks during that time.

Today I'm so tired I can't get anything done.

Probably should have managed things better.

Yawn...

Monday II

Father's Day was yesterday.

It was merely a distillation of recent life.

I slept poorly, I worked ineffectively, I was mildly depressed.

I had stilted conversations with the dark-haired girl that included too much conversation about local weather.

The boys arrived, with the intent of buying me dinner using money their mother had provided. Of course, she didn't actually provide the money, so I did.

Dinner was punctuated by sibling digs and arguments, and news that board games that evening were out of the question, because my eldest had "plans with friends". He bent a bit, however, and we did play Risk, but his youngest brother was frustrated because we were playing by the "classic rules" variation, and quit halfway through. Shortly thereafter his brother and I also quit, partly due to the exit of my youngest, and partly due to my extreme world domination. The irony was that the eldest and I were going to play a different game, but we switched to Risk because the youngest had wanted to.

As I left, to drive my eldest over to his friends' place, my youngest came out and apologized.

The lesson from the evening was that my boys still do love me, and care, but I'm a low priority, as one would expect with teenagers. The equation to use is:

Parent Importance to Child = 10 + 5 * (15 - Child's Age) ^ 2 %

This morning I remain emotionally low, but it's more because of the lack of social outlets, the knowledge that I have to figure out how to breakup with someone I live with in a 0.5% availability rental market, the general "I have more work than" time, and lack of regular exercise.

Some of that is more immediately fixable, but most at the cost of making other things worse. But even with all of those emotional weights available to me to choose from, all I can think right now is...

I need a friend. I feel alone.

Recommendations

"She's a very nice girl."

I was just meandering through some old e-mails, and ran across some of the first exchanges a close (and mutual) friend and I had about the dark-haired girl.

That was the original description, and one of the reasons I feel guilty even complaining.

Later, "I don't think she's quite as sweet and innocent as you think. She might surprise you." It was in regard to repressed sexuality, but in hindsight it seems an apt point regarding the relationship in general.

I can't say that I suddenly disagree with the description of her as "nice", but there are differences between the co-worker, the friend, the newly dated, and the lived with. Plus I'm not even sure I'm who others who like me think I am.

Hm. I had trouble writing that.

People who like me.

That was weird, another shudder as I wrote that. And I can't think of a name to put on that list.

I really do still have self-esteem issues.

But back to the point.

It's not whether or not she's a good person in various situations. It's whether or not she's a good person for me, and vice versa.

The things that have most disturbed me are the things that only a boyfriend would experience, and that's the experience I have, and the experience I can expect to have in the future if the relationship continues.

I know. I'm guilty. I've done things I regret in my life, and so has pretty much everyone. But I have a couple of baselines here.

I've dated someone for over a year before. Any arguments had in that relationship never got this bad, never saw the woman or myself storming off, or beating fists into oneself until the bruising looked like a motorcycle accident aftermath.

I know. Every situation is unique, and I can't judge the current moment by the past.

I've ignored warning signs before. And I know what happens. It's not good.

So, the question remains.

Am I reading this situation correctly? Is it just me, just my point of view? I mean, I always say - if someone complains that everyone is always crapping on them, chances are it's that person that has the problem, not the whole world.

And...

She prompts me to say that I miss her.

So I say it.

But I haven't been meaning it.

So I'm lying to her, just so that she can be happy until she gets back.

I don't feel good about it... a bad person deceives, so that makes me...

Wishy-washy at best.